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Posts Tagged ‘love’

If I asked you to list the amount of people who make you, or have made you sad, I’d imagine that list would be endless. But, if I asked you to compile a list of those that make you insanely and innately happy, how many faces would appear in your mind’s eye and work their ways down to curl the corners of your mouth upward?

The feeling of making someone else’s day has to be the most magic feeling. I am working on an episode of my web series Misled. The next episode focuses on Mental Health in the African American Community. The subject of the episode, Stephanie, suffers from bipolar disorder and agreed to discuss her struggle and victory in fighting the disease. She was so nervous about doing the interview and even more so after friends and even her close relatives told her she would be exploited and perceived as a crazy lady for the world to see. I did all that I could to assure her that I am not in the business of exploitation and would never do that to anyone. She has kept in touch with me as she anxiously awaits the release of the episode and has shared with me the mumblings of her relatives who have called her a liar and don’t believe an interview ever even took place. In an effort to promote the show, and put her naysayers to rest, I put together an episode teaser for her to show them.

She was so excited about the preview video that she told me she cried joyful tears and felt extremely blessed by me. Me.  I don’t feel remotely entitled to all of that gratitude but I must say that it feels amazing. All I want to do is tell the stories of the underserved and silent and show the world what compassion is. Even though I haven’t gotten hired by HBO to do it yet, it feels good to be doing it, on my own.

You can check out the video right here.

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It’s so important, and yes, haste really does make waste and if you don’t know who Keisha* is, she’s probably you. I have been learning that time can help almost any situation you find yourself in. Sometimes, you just have to be still and wait, even if you don’t even know what you’re waiting on. I sometimes feel so anxious and nervous for no reason at all. I partially blame modern technology and the addiction to social media, but there’s something more. I have realized that the reason I have been feeling incomplete or that I am not where I am supposed to be is because I bought into the Disney Princess/All American Dream that by now I’d be well into my dream job and on my way to being proposed to. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I keep telling people that I feel like I am at a standstill. How can that be when God is always moving? I’m ashamed to say that I have not been as grateful as I should be lately. I have not been appreciating this moment right now. I’m constantly worried about the next moment, and then the one after that. The reality is, these moments are going to come and go with or without my help. I am not in control here. It seems like such a simple thing to say, but realizing that God is really in control unleashes a whole new sense of power. Naturally, being the control freak that I am, I never thought I’d feel so empowered by letting go of something. I have never felt more liberated. Deciding to surrender and wait on God and live in His timing instead of my own, is truly something. I mentioned to one of my mentors that I felt that I was in “limbo”. His response was, that’s because you think you know where you’re supposed to be. I don’t. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be because if I did, I’d understand that I’m already here. I’m learning to be okay with exactly where I am, right now. I have moments of doubt, which will come and go, but I will no longer allow them to OVERcome before they go. Progress is a slow process.

 

 

*Keisha: (n) One who is not taking her time through life; rushing; hastily making decisions, or not making important decisions; ignoring her intuition.

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I want it. My mother always said closed mouths don’t get fed so why won’t I ask for what I want when it comes to love? I sit here, skirting around the word. When you ask me what I’m looking for. That dreaded conversation. If I tell you what I really want you’ll run. I know you’ll run. and the worst part is you’ll say you’re staying as you lace up your shoes to run. I know it. Happened too many times before. I want love. I want you to walk down the street with me beside you. Your Nefertiri. I want you to open doors, and pull out chairs and not just for the first three dates. I want you to be kind, I want you to be firm, I want you to settle my restless spirit when it can’t find refuge in its usual spaces. I want to be able to look at you and just know it’s love. I want to like you. I want to laugh with you and cry with you and live with you and die with you and I want that so fiercely that it scares me. It scares me to think that another human being could be of such importance to my existence. Maybe that’s why I haven’t found you yet. So I’ll answer your question the same way I’ve answered with every other suitor. “Whatever pleases you.” I will bend my desires to fit your comfort level. You don’t want a girl? “Oh , nah I don’t want to be in a relationship either; I’m too young, too free,” I’ll say. All the while hoping you’ll see through the facade and say “baby, I’m yours” – the fairy tale ending. That’s all I want.  I want to know you’ll fight that fire-breathing dragon for me – but you won’t kill him because you’ll want him to carry us home- not wanting my feet to touch the rubble or hands to be cut up as we search our way through the woods- you’ll want us, to fly. Fly over the obstacles and destruction to a higher place. It’s just gotta be love.

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I’m having a moral dilemma. I like to think of myself as a modern-day-feminist. I like to think of myself as a person who will always fight for the rights of women, especially black women, and the oppressed, which generally  fall into the same category. I am embarrassed to say that I have been struggling with how to feel about a certain situation in the popular media headlines.

I have begun re-reading one of my favorite books, Deals with the Devil, and Other Reasons to Riot, by Pearl Cleage and I have just gotten to the chapter where she discusses Miles Davis. Miles Davis admitted, willingly in Miles: The Autobiography that he hit actress Cicely Tyson when they had been together. What is so brilliant about Pearl Cleage is that she always presents readers with a question to present to themselves. We learn about how she felt when she learned that one of her favorite musicians had hit a woman. She felt a moral responsibility as a feminist to defend her sisters but in the same breath she questioned whether or not defending her sisters meant abandoning the music that was once so sweet to her.

I am faced with a similar issue when asked about the Chris Brown/ Rihanna “relationship”. I cringe just thinking about it because the image of Rihanna’s battered face left an imprint on my brain, but, it seems to have faded from her own.

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I was so upset at what he had done to her and the comments that quickly ensued about what she could have possibly done to bring him to do this. These are the same unnerving, unacceptable conversations that follow the rape of a woman because she had to have done something to get raped. We all know men don’t commit violent crimes against women without being first encouraged too, right? Wrong.

We all watched as the couple sashayed together to the Grammy’s and have been spotted cuddling around town. Now, before my brothers accuse me of giving racists another opportunity to confirm the hate against the angry black man, please understand that I am black and woman before I am anything else. I have to defend the black woman at all costs, before anything else. I also need my kings to know that my defense of my sisters should not cause an offense to any secure, honorable black man.

After all, I am conflicted about this. I started writing this post months ago and I am just now finishing it. I was so conflicted that I couldn’t even work up enough courage to publish the post. But now, I’ve had it. I’ve decided that if I stand for anything, I have to speak out against this relationship. Not solely because of the physical abuse but because of that womanly intuition that allows each of us to see one another for who we really are, when we’re in tune with it. I am not judging Rihanna. I feel so sorry for her. I feel sorry for Chris Brown too. They are perfect examples of a generation of entitled kids given everything too soon and losing everything too quickly. I know, “ain’t nobody’s business but you and your baby,” –got that.

I’ve seen that “ain’t nobody’s business” mantra do more harm than good in this short life I’ve lived.  It was everyone’s business when you cried to Diane Sawyer, when you were pissed off, heartbroken, and in love with the man that beat you. When you didn’t know how to respond because unlike most battered women, your beating took place on the main stage and now the stage hands, back up dancers and audience were waiting on your next move, literally. There was no turning back then. Rihanna couldn’t hold that in, and anyone who follows the pop princess, knows that she isn’t one to hold back on her feelings.

 

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So now, I have to decide how I’m going to handle myself now that I’ve confronted my disdain for this relationship. Does this mean, I have to turn off my radio, and delete all of my Rihanna and Chris Brown songs from my I-pod? Does supporting the music of these two individuals conflict everything I stand for? My hopeless romantic spirit is rolling its eyes at me right now. As much as I’d like to twist this into some love-story between two broken souls who defied all odds to be together, I can’t. While I can’t predict the future, there’s one thing I know about gravity: when something fragile hits the floor, it breaks, and no matter how you glue it back together you will always see the cracks, and cracks lead to, more cracks. Eventually, we’re back to where we started with a whole bunch of jagged pieces cutting you every time you try to mold them. I don’t wish ill-will to either of these lovers, actually, somewhere deep inside I’m hoping that the universe shakes things up and things work out between them, at least, for my i-pod’s sake. So it goes.

 

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I have realized that I rarely ever talk about my non-profit organization Mic Check 1-Two! on here. Well, that’s about to change! I wanted to let my loyal readers know about a talk show that I am producing, directing, and co-hosting for Mic Check 1-Two! The show is called Misled. 

Misled is a show dedicated to informing the uninformed and the misinformed. We are living in a time where negativity sells and positive images are not always easily accessible or attractive. Our aim is to bring positive images into the media. Misled will focus on common misconceptions and stereotypes about African-Americans by exposing the truth behind them and offering solutions and alternatives to broaden perspectives and perceptions.

Basically, all of the things I talk about on here, and am disgusted with, and conflicted with and otherwise, have finally found a place to be hashed out.

Episode 1 of Misled will focus on colorism within the African-American Community, specifically, the dreaded: Dark-skinned vs. light-skinned controversy. We’ll talk to a historian to get to the root of the issue, we’ll talk to some young women and men to find out just how much this issue has affected us throughout our lives, and what we can do to change perspectives for the future.

Check out the promo video for Misled, Episode 1 below.

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Take a look at the all new web series, “He Say, She Say,” hosted by relationship expert Kevin Carr. Remember him from my MANcation Retreat video?  Kevin is hosting a new show about current relationship topics. This first episode features a diverse panel of women and men as they discuss their opinions on the “do’s” and “dont’s” of dating and relationships.

Check it out!

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See my coverage of Sincerely Love below. This was my first official step off of my MANcation. Check out the video to see my interview with Kevin Carr, (“If All Men Are Dogs, then Women You Hold The Leash,) as he shares advice about post-MANcation dating.

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