Posts Tagged ‘growth’

I surrender



The human brain is an extraordinary thing. The ability to remember begins to vanish as the years grow upon us. I have just returned from visiting family in Jamaica.  I got to see family I hadn’t seen in years and I got to listen to the stories of my uncle’s youth. I think I have them all committed to memory because he told the same three stories several times. I didn’t mind though. It’s funny what the brain chooses to hold onto, what images stay with us & what memories will be embroidered into our our psyches forever. I reveled in the moment when my uncle’s eyes stared off and the story began to unfold, and a perfect smirk is tucked so sweetly in the corner of his face. He recounts the times he faced adversity, the pain he felt in his body from hard work, the recognition he received for it, & the times he received absolutely none at all. He pages back to the times that things didn’t turn out the way he wanted and he had to make those tough choices. The Choices that meant leaving money, leaving “easy”, and leaving comfort, for purpose, and for respect. “Mi’ nuh waste nuh’ time to make up mi’ mind, mi’ just do it.”

How awesome of him to share such jewels with me? Each time he told these stories I heard another lesson…another revelation.

This whole trip was another checkpoint on my Mancation journey . This journey has been devoted to eliminating distractions and finding my center. I have learned (read: am learning) to just center in and tune out the static. A lot of the nervous energy and anxiety that I feel is created and fed by me. This trip has really shown me that I just have to live for me, And for my memory. If I took a second in the midst of all of the stress and asked myself ,”Is this the memory you want to keep?”

What stories will I repeat to the generations that come to visit me in my old age? Will it be of my pain & frustration in trying to control the uncontrollable? Will my memory take “too long to get to the good part?” Or will I start living for the memory now, trusting that God has me covered. I have to become less concerned with what others think of me.

What matters is the purity of my heart, the clarity of my intent & the peacefulness of my spirit. The rest will fall where it may, I just won’t fall apart with it.


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November 27, 2012

Today, I heard God give me what I’ve been praying for. I actually heard HIM. I have been praying for patience for as long as I can remember. My mom always says that you only have to ask God for something one time and then you have to just wait on the Lord. The fact that I have asked Him for patience numerous time should make odd, ironic, sense.

This morning, I woke up with the hens to get ready to go to work and was greeted with a wintery mix coming down outside my window which only motivated me to hold on to my comforter for five more minutes. Anyway, as I raced through the house trying to get out of the house and into the car and onto the train to get to work on time, I realized I could NOT find my umbrella. I mumbled declarations about how people in the house move everything and wondered why things couldn’t just be where I left them, and I ALMOST, let this ruin my morning.

As I waited for my car to warm up, I heard myself, telling myself, to calm down. No need to check me into the looney bin, I mean this. I heard myself say, “Lana, you have no umbrella, but you have a scarf wrapped around your head and a warm coat, and right now you’re in a car that will take you a the train where rain will not touch you, re-lax.” I was suddenly overwhelmed with peace. This may sound like an over-exaggeration of  brief moment of insanity but it’s much more than that. I am a person that lives inside of her head. I am constantly nit-picking about everything imaginable, and letting it change my attitude.

This moment meant growth. This moment meant that Patience had finally decided to show up, or that finally decided to see her. These are the moments  that make the MANcation worth it. The moments where I’ve closed my eyes and ears to all of the mess that tempts to cloud my vision, settled my mind and found clarity. The moments where it’s just me and God. Perspective, it feels nice.


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November 11, 2012

I am really mean to my dad when I’m not dating. I’ve discovered that although I am happy right now being single, the part of me that wants a man is very bitter. I am still trying to find my way in this world and am very insecure about where I am in terms of my career. Whenever  I’m stressed about anything, especially on the jobs front, I take my frustration out on my dad. I have now realized that it’s because I desperately want my father to be pleased with me and because I have no man in my life to “please”, this frustration becomes even more intense.

Whenever I get a new opportunity that seems promising or could open up some doors for me, my father usually gives me three reasons why it won’t work. I know this is not because he doesn’t want me to succeed, but because he wants just that. He wants me to be prepared for all of the things that could prevent me from reaching my goals. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always come across when we talk. I usually feel that he’s confirming all of my fears and it has caused me to shy away from opportunities. I usually respond to his questioning about my prospects in a bitter, defensive way, all the time. My father and I have just recently talked about this and I’ve come to realize that I don’t feel he completely believes in me. Furthermore, and perhaps the most frightening discovery thus far, I’ve found that I don’t believe in myself fully. This lackluster faith I have in myself is beginning to show itself in my writing, in my appearances and in the way I conduct myself with friends and family.

I just want to take a moment to say that these self-discovery moments are only made possible through my MANcation. I know myself and had I been chasing some relationship or man, I would not have the time or energy to take a deeper look at myself and the things I need to work on. At least, I haven’t met a man yet that has required that of me.

The quiet moments that I get to spend working on me, not who others need me to be, but working on just me are so very important for personal growth. We all want to be accepted, every last one of us. From birth, we are constantly doing things to be accepted. However we are perceived by our peers and the people we seek acceptance from will affect our interactions for the rest of our lives.

That quest for approval can be extremely damaging. I am learning to stop holding acceptance at such high regard because it is holding me hostage. This constant consent that I search for in my personal and romantic relationships is beginning to cause such insecurity and doubt and I’ve decided to free myself from it. I’m working on accepting myself and no longer being afraid of my own potential.

I think I am most afraid of being too great. I don’t say this in a vain or self-indulgent way at all. I say that because I am a child of God and HE has only created greatness within me. It is an insult to Him to shy away from my full potential simply because it may be the road less travelled and may upset people. That’s just wrong.

I’ve already gone too long on this post. That’s all for now.

Read more MANcation Revelations here

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